As a language learning company, we are fully aware of the power of language and the role it plays in building healthy relationships, creating positive environments and fostering a sense of belonging within society.
We also know that language has been used historically, and is very much still used, as a tool for exclusion; a way to marginalise or attack individuals or groups of people through the way they are addressed directly or the way they are spoken about within wider society.
There are lots of examples of this negative use of language and the effects this has, and how we use language, has always been a topic of debate.
As more and more countries have started to roll back the rights of transgender people, one of the language usage topics that you will most likely have come across in the news and on social media recently is personal pronouns.
Before we go any further, let’s have a quick grammar lesson (aka. what is a pronoun?)
A pronoun is a word that is used as a substitute for a noun or noun phrase and refers to either the person talking, or someone or something that is being talked about.
When we talk about personal pronouns (you may also hear them being called gender pronouns), we are talking about third-person singular pronouns. For example, she/her, he/him or they/them or combinations of these, so she/they or he/they which indicate that the person uses either or both of these pronouns. Whilst these may be the pronouns you are most used to using and hearing, there is actually a wide range of personal pronouns, e.g ze/zir, ze/hir, xe;/xem and e/em.
Personal/gender pronouns are part of a person’s identity, just like their name, and tell us how someone refers to themselves and how others should refer to them too. This is vitally important.
People make assumptions about others based on a variety of factors; their voice, the clothes they wear, their build, their name. But an assumption is just that and it doesn’t mean it’s right. Making assumptions about someone’s gender reinforces the incorrect notion that there is only one way to exist within any specific gender, and those assumptions oftentimes completely ignore genders that don’t exist within the binary of man/woman
This is not only incorrect, it is also dangerous.
Using the correct pronouns for someone is a way of showing respect, building an inclusive environment, and recognising and celebrating people’s multiple intersecting identities.
Being constantly misgendered (where you are referred to using the wrong pronouns or as belonging to a gender you don’t identify with) is mentally damaging. If you are someone who doesn’t get misgendered, it can be hard to understand the impact of this. Ask a friend or colleague to refer to you by the wrong pronouns for the duration of a conversation and see how you feel. Now imagine that happening constantly, on a daily basis.
I spoke earlier in this article about language being used as a tool for marginalisation, and how, as we have seen the rights of transgender people being rolled back, the debates around personal/gender pronouns have grown and grown. However, debates around pronouns, actively and constantly using incorrect pronouns for someone or making correct pronoun usage conditional sends the message that trans, intersex, non-binary and gender non-conforming people don’t have the right to exist. And this is something we need to fight against.
So, how do we ensure that we don’t become part of the problem and instead create an inclusive environment where everyone can thrive? Here are some tips for becoming a pronoun pro:
Tip #1 – Share and invite
Sharing your pronouns first makes it easy to then invite someone to share as well. The way you do this will vary depending on whether you are speaking to one person, or a group of people
In individual conversations: When you first meet someone, or if you haven’t seen someone for a long time, share your pronouns and proactively invite the other person to share their pronouns. This can be done at the start of the conversation: “Hi, my name is Eileen and my pronouns are she/her. How should I refer to you?” or “Hey, it’s so nice to see you again. Before we continue, can I just check what pronouns I should use for you.”
You may need to briefly explain that you don’t want to make an assumption and that you want to be sure to be respectful. That’s also ok.
In a group setting: Share your name, pronouns (and your job title if you are at work) and then ask others to share their names (job titles if appropriate) and, if comfortable, to also share their pronouns. Again, you can explain that you are asking, so everyone can be respected and addressed correctly.
Note: It’s important that you don’t force anyone to share their pronouns, rather invite, explain and encourage.
Tip #2 – Make pronouns part of the day to day
As I said in point one, sharing makes it easier for someone else to share. When everyone shares their pronouns automatically, no-one has to stand out. This may be something you have to practice if you are cisgender, so take the time to do so.
If you are someone in a position of power, role-modelling and encouraging everyone to share their pronouns can also be a way to help to create psychological safety.
Sharing pronouns can be done in many ways: Verbally when you meet someone, in your e-mail signature at work and at home, in your bio on social media/professional sites, in your Slack/Teams profile – the list goes on. Wherever you have an opportunity to introduce yourself, you have an opportunity to also share your pronouns.
Tip #3 – Mistakes happen, so correct with care
We all make mistakes because we are all human. If you make a mistake and realise in the moment, apologise, correct your mistake and move on. You might say, “She made a great point. Oh, I’m sorry, I meant he made a great point.” If you realise after the conversation, reach out, apologise and correct yourself.
Note: It’s important that you don’t overexplain or make the other person feel awkward. The aim is to acknowledge your mistake and learn, not to ask for comfort or bring attention to the situation.
If you are in a conversation with someone, and they are talking about someone else and misgender them, gently correct the person and move on. I would however add one note of caution here. Only do this in situations where you know the other person knows the pronouns of the person you are speaking about. It is never ok to out someone or to put them at risk, and some people may use different pronouns with different people or in different environments, so we need to keep that in mind.
Tip #4 – Become a safe space
Debating someone’s right to exist and to be who they are is never acceptable. Being clear on where you stand, making it known and speaking up is important. But doing that in a way that keeps marginalised people safe is doubly so. Think about how you address people, listen and learn if someone corrects you and care about getting this right, rather than caring about being seen to get it right.
Final Thoughts:
Remember: Learning anything new – particularly when it comes to language – can be daunting. But the rewards are worth it. Becoming a pronoun pro is the first step to speaking in a gender inclusive way, and once you get the hang of it, you can build on that and continue to harness the power of language. Keep practicing and don’t give up. You’ve got this!